on this website i hope to be funny, i hope to be insightful, i hope to sound intelligent. hope is a beautiful thing. not to be confused with ability, talent or competence.

what i am guaranteed to do is offend someone. well, lots of people actually. depending on how many come here to read what i have to say. to be safe, let's go with the term "a fair proportion."

offended people who don't get to vent their frustrations end up drinking, which i approve of, or blowing things up, to which i am ambivalent. this is, of course, excepting when i personally liked the thing, person, animal or vegetable that you just blew up. for the ill-read people out there ambivalent means undecided, unsure. i know. i just checked.

but since other people object to drunks and terrorists on principle or through some moral sensibility i hope to ease their burden by placing a link to complain to. i promise i will read each and every complaint. i am certain they will bring me much mirth and entertainment. i may create a seperate one for death threats- we will see how we go. you will be marked on inventiveness and spelling. no-one takes a badly spelled death threat seriously. they just show it to their friends at dinner parties.

for my own benefit i will also put separate email links to different addresses for different issues. these include seperate links for people who would like to send me money and attractive people who would like to have sex with me. as i mentioned earlier: hope is a beautiful thing. as for "attractive", that's for me to decide. send photos. not of the money (that's always attractive). send photos of you if you want to have sex.

excuse me if you did understand the instructions immediately and feel i am treating you badly, but i find it's better to be safe than receive pictures of money.

if you have a magazine you would like me to write for then i would like money. offer me some and give me a subject you want covered and we will see how we go from there.

if you have a problem with the fact that i seldom use capital letters then i deeply sympathise with you. you need a life. i cannot help you. i'm not sure anyone can. consider suicide or becoming an editor. please be aware that i have not met many happy editors and do not want to be accused of "condoning editorship" on the world wide web. there is a big stink going on about that. saw it on oprah.

for people who like to point out spelling errors: i happen to be excellent at spelling. except for corduroy, which i often get wrong and do not care about. it should not exist anyway. the word or the thing it describes. it was excusable in the 70's when everyone was on acid. there is no excuse any more. my typing is appalling. this will result in errors of spelling. this cannot be helped. if it bothers yo go and read a book. they have editors and publishers. a book is probably healthier for your mind thean this drivel anyway. alternatively go and look at porn.

so i hope to have some of my writing up soon. if this introduction did not offend you you might enjoy it. if it did offend you then, as i mentioned, there's always porn. i hear there is a lot of it about.

midnight_jester 13/06/2006