99.06.13 Modern Sex (pt2)

The clitoris can be found … starts many a male and female teen magazine article (I speak from the British experience here, your local teen magazines may have had useful tips on building your own pipe bomb for all I know). I have, over the years, come to the conclusion that the clitoris can be found, simply… by reading Teen Magazines. But, as a bloke I am pissed off.

I am pissed off because I’m tired of receiving crap blow jobs. I didn’t even know that I was receiving crap blow jobs till the day I had a good one. I just thought that I wasn’t a blow job kinda guy. This all sounds familiar doesn’t it? Sounds like female talk about sex and orgasms in general. And, like them, I’m not kidding either. Men go to an awful lot of trouble in order to try and please a woman in bed. Almost all guys are only one semester and three exams short of a future in Gynaecology. A world full of potential doctors, as it were, trying for that degree in sex. And as with all dedicated professionals we believe practice makes perfect, and so we take every opportunity to get in a bit of training.

But what do women know about pleasing a man? Fuck-all. Nothing. Nada. Zip, zero. They don’t care, they figure as long as we ’splooge’ we’re fine. The only time you hear of different levels of orgasm is in drinks names and womens magazines, never when it comes to guys. Believe me, there are always bigger and better orgasms out there, there are a few women who have a clue how to help a guy get there.

Guys know about the clitoris, where to find the G-spot, that the although first three inches inside a womans vagina has the most nerve endings but that doesn’t mean that’s all you need to take care of. We even know it’s not true that size doesn’t matter (although we appreciate the lie). We study, we learn, we pay attention to every slight back arch and shiver trying to determine what makes her feel the best. We do it because we want to make sure that she’s having a good time. Because we have a good time. How often does she seem to care if our time is better too? How much research has she done?

What and where is the vans deferens? Where are the other most sensitive spots on the penis. Where else is sensitive? Do they know? Do they bollocks! How many women do you know who would or could get you to even get an erection by touching your body but not going near your lips or your dick? They don’t ask for guidance, some don’t even seem to take any pleasure in trying to make us feel good. Men have to practically beg for blow-jobs. Women do not have to beg for a muff.

So it’s time to go on strike. If all you’re going to get for your trouble in making her feel good is a quick, penetrative wham-bam or a toothy blow job then all she should get is the same. And don’t make it easy, either, let her buy a biology or physiology text to find out what the hell us guys are talking about. Let her go into the CNA to buy a sex book and have her boss/grandmother/priest run into her just as she’s paying for it.

It’s time for guys to stand up for themselves, if you’ll pardon the bad pun.