The where, what, why, when and how of a midnight jester

Midnight Jester does not hail from anywhere in particular. In fact Jester doesn't play well with people who 'hail' from places as opposed to just being born there. He does not think that being pretentious right from birth is likely to result in a stable personality.

Jester does not have a stable personality and in fact claims never to have been near a stable in his life, the rumours are untrue and the photos were doctored...

Jester occasionally resorts to crap puns. Jester lists under his strengths: "Never owned an ant farm," and dislikes intensely people who do (doesn't everyone). Jester understands that sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit but points out, when cornered, that at least it is a form of wit. Which, in any situation has to be preferable to being witless.

Jester likes dogs and cats because they never contradict him but only likes humans who do. He likes a good fight but not the physical kind because blood is hell to shift off clothing but seems to move out of arteries rather freely. His response to physical attack is: fall over and wait till they go away. Failing that drop a hand grenade and run like hell (there is seldom violence when all around you are united by common purpose).

Jester likes money but not people who love money. "Money is mean, not an end," he is heard to say. We suspect he thinks this sounds clever and doesn't know what he means either but he likes to make obscure statements. Jester is only moderately good; At punctuation. Editor needed.

Jester likes praise from complete strangers as he never gets any from the people who actually know him. He has taken to receiving insults as compliments instead and has "you're a weird plonker" right at the top of the list of nice things to say to people. "You have a weird plonker" is right at the bottom.

Jester doesn't like or approve of war or fishing, placing them on the same approximate level of mental activity. Of the two he considers war the lesser evil because although people die at least it's easier to sit through a television programme about it.

Jester thinks people who like hunting with rifles are thick and bloodthirsty except when they are pointing a big gun at him. Then he thinks they are (and I quote):

"trulyfantasticwonderfulhumanbeings."

Jester likes 'pragmatic' but prefers 'automatic' as it leaves a hand free for communication purposes and drinking. He likes living in small houses as this saves time with finding keys and glasses and wherever he put the alcohol.

Jester likes a drink now and then. Usually when presented with the choice of a television program on fishing or another on war when he specifically had dodged work that afternoon and it's too rainy and wet outside to go swimming...

Jester believes fervently that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. He also believes the same people should either lose weight or send him their shower schedule as the last time he caught a glimpse he found himself paralysed all down one side for the rest of the day and still wakes up screaming with torrid mental visions after falling gently asleep in front of the fishing program.

Jester hates people who talk about themselves in the third person.

Who the Jester likes to meet and chat arbitrarily to:

Anyone else who has noticed that soap operas are exactly like porn movies but with the sex scenes cut out. A fact which I believe to be directly linked to the high usage of Prozac amongst American housewives.

Anyone who is witty, intelligent, funny or has an interesting writing style and perspective.

Anyone who is odd and would like to just give me money for no good reason.

Witty, intelligent, fun, irreverent fully clothed and self-assured are all terms that I would use to describe myself. I do have to consider the possibility, of course, that i may be at least marginally biased.

I have two legs, two arms and all the other requisite items that come with a human body. I have a fine mind but an awful brain. Said mind does have a habit of taking short vacations without me but that’s okay: it’s well known that it’s good to get away occasionally.

I’m not tall, I’m not short, not fat, not thin, not aggressive, not passive, not nondescript and not likely to find an interesting or entertaining way of ending this sentence so I may as well just stop now.

I love to read, love to chat, love to play sport and love to love. which is like hart to hart, a bad 80’s series but doesn’t have the same credible script. or robert wagner.

I love to write, too, but apathy and limited talent holds me back. Actually, since reading a Jack Higgins book I believe just apathy holds me back. After 6 years of trying I have 2 chapters which have survived 3 months without being thrown away or edited to oblivion which, probably, means they will stay. Hooray!

I have travelled and lived abroad. Sometimes successfully.

I once tried to cycle from Durban to Mocambique with no map, no training, and a backpack containing 3 bananas, 2 apples, a roll of toilet paper, one of those emergency blankets that fold up to the size of a deck of cards and 6 litres of water. (When I say no map- I had looked in a world atlas- it didn’t look very far. About a thumbnail.)

I approach the world with little fear, no corduroy clothing, clean underwear and a lot of self belief.

I have been a bartender, waiter, chauffeur to a lambada band, salesman, promoter, teacher, event co-ordinator, sports coach, magazine columnist, club owner and a businessman.

When I grow up I want to be a fireman.

And a journalist. And run a football team. And run for government. And be a stand up comedian. And get a script published. And relax on a beautiful beach for six months with a team of dedicated experts coming up with new ways to be nice to me. It would be nice if someone was willing to give me money to do any of those things. If you know of such a person tell them to contact me. Soon. I’m losing weight and need food.

The world is my playground or mollusc or whatever